Bien, ésto lo quise subir desde la semana pasada pero por una cosa u otra no pude. Se que muchos hemos tenido la desgracia de haber visto la gran mierda presuntuosa llamada Juno, ya vimos que muchos le aventaron flores y que los pendejazos de la Academia le dieron un Oscar a la teibolera Diablo Cody, quien escribió semejante chingadera.Meses atrás, Mr. Monkey dio su opinión al respecto. Hoy quiero aprovechar para comentar un poco de lo que yo pienso de semejante mamada de película, mostrarles de dónde sacó gran parte del personaje de Juno y el guión/parodia que hicieron en el sitio The Editing Room.
Juno es una mamada pendejamente presuntuosa y sobrevaluada. No me quejo de que la trama sea sencilla, hay muchas películas muy buenas sin ser complejas. Expliquenme: si Juno es tan pinche inteligente como te quieren dar a entender ¿Cómo es que la pendeja se embarazó? Bien hubiese dejado al personaje de Michael Cera con los pantalones abajo diciendole con su "léxico juvenil" que o usaba condón o se jodía. En serio, esa es otra pendejada que en verdad me cuesta creer.
He leído de personas que creen que Juno es una "chica común", que se parece a su vecina/prima/hermana. A eso les pregunto: ¿En verdad utilizan el mismo léxico de Juno? ¿Que llegue un punto en el que no le entiendas ni madres ante la saturación por palabras inventadas y referencias a la cultura pop? Solo se los creería si poseen la característica que menciono en el siguiente párrafo.
Luego, el constante recordatorio de que estamos ante una película indie metiendo canciones las cuales no se distingue si es la misma una y otra vez. A esto le sumamos que los gustos de varios personajes son hacia éste tipo de material. Es en éste punto en el que Juno si llega a ser real, ya que se muestra como una chavita la cual se siente la gran madre ya que tiene gustos distintos a los de los demás, pero que en realidad solo conoce las cosas por encima y todo queda en pura pose. Lo vemos cuando conoce al esposo de Jennifer Garner, de "me encantan las bandas viejas y las películas de serie B... pero de los grupos a lo mucho he escuchado dos canciones de uno y de las películas solo me han comentado".
Pasando a la parte de "Juno es una copia chaqueta de...", hablaré de Ghost World, una cinta del 2001 dirigida por Terry Zwigoff y esteralizada por Thora Birch, Scarlett Johansson y Steve Buscemi. La cinta está basada en la novela gráfica de Daniel Clowes. Ésta película trata de como Enid y Rebecca, un par de chicas terminan la preparatoria y empiezan a ver cual será su siguiente paso en la vida. Al conocerlas, vemos que son diferentes al resto de sus compañeros de clase, ya que poseen una mentalidad y gustos distintos.
Ésta imagen es en parte fan service para el buen Yuriel Ainvar. Cheers, goatfucker.Enid, interpretada por Thora Birch, es en quien se enfoca más la trama y nos deja ver que es una chica que gusta del arte -llevando consigo siempre una libreta con dibujos que realiza constantemente-, de diferentes culturas y modas, pero siempre esperando conocer algo nuevo.
A esto se le suma Seymour -interpretado por Steve Buscemi-, un tipo el cual lleva una vida aburrida pero que colecciona LP's y posters publicitarios viejos -entre ellos, tiene algunos de películas de Tin Tan-, al cual Enid conoce al hacerle una broma telefónica para después volverse amigos al comprarle un disco de blues durante una venta de garage. Ambos personajes tienen una gran diferencia de edad, pero Enid se identifica bastante con Seymour al tener los mismos gustos y empiezan a sentir algo el uno por el otro. Tal vez con ésto no se convenzan del punto que estoy tratando aquí, pero creanme, la actitud del personaje de Thora Birch es la base de la pendeja de Juno. Pueden ver Ghost World en YouTube, hace unos meses que la subieron ahí, veanla y saquen sus conclusiones.Hay otros puntos castrantes que mencionar de Juno, pero serán cubiertos por el script que a continuación pongo. Repito, yo no lo escribí, el autor es Rod Hilton del sitio The Editing Room.
EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN
ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG
blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is
an intellectual, independent film.
She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.
ELLEN PAGE
I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.
RAINN WILSON
Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving?
ELLEN PAGE
That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.
RAINN WILSON
I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?
ELLEN PAGE
Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight.
RAINN WILSON
Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.
ELLEN PAGE
You're so quirky! And so am I!
ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.
ELLEN PAGE
This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.
ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.
ELLEN PAGE
Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?
ELLEN PAGE
Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?
OLIVIA THIRLBY
YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.
They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME.
MICHAEL CERA
Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.
MICHAEL CERA
So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-
ELLEN PAGE
Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.
ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)
Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."
ELLEN PAGE
Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
MICHAEL CERA
Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.
ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?
ELLEN PAGE
Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.
(shakes phone)
Alright, there we go.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-
ELLEN PAGE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky.
ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG
blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are
supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
ELLEN PAGE
Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
I know, right!?
ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend
OLIVIA.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?
ELLEN PAGE
I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.
ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.
ELLEN PAGE
So, I'm pregnant.
J.K. SIMMONS
WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-
ELLEN PAGE
Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember?
J.K. SIMMONS
Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.
ALLISON JANNEY
And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb.
ELLEN PAGE
It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development.
J.K. SIMMONS
Huh. I didn't think he had it in him.
ELLEN PAGE
What, sperm?
ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays
out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness.
ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and
JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.
JENNIFER GARNER
We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.
JASON BATEMAN
So who is the father of the little bastard?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.
JASON BATEMAN
No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.
That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to
JENNIFER and JASON.
TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN
goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant
people are obligated to include.
She visits JASON BATEMAN.
JASON BATEMAN
Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?
ELLEN PAGE
That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.
(pause)
Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.
JASON BATEMAN
Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner.
ELLEN PAGE
Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?
JASON BATEMAN
No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.
JASON BATEMAN
How artistic!
ELLEN PAGE
You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!
LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER
GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE
MUSIC plays.
JENNIFER GARNER
Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.
ELLEN PAGE
And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!
MICHAEL CERA
So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?
ELLEN PAGE
Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.
They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie
so that they don't feel STUPID.
THE END
Agradecimientos: Cracked y The Editing Room.
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